Death....I hate that word

You can't really wrap your head around it. No matter how much you try, no matter how many times you experience that loss, you will NEVER understand it. And what makes me angry is that we are just supposed to accept it as a part of life. Why?! It's so cruel to those of us still living. It is immeasurable pain and agony that eats away at the very person you are. It can turn the happiest person into a lifeless being. Why should we just accept that?

They say as a kid you just don't understand death....I don't understand it as an adult! In fact, it's gotten worse! I didn't deal with my mom's death when I was younger and so now here I am, constantly upset everytime I think about it. But tell me, how do you "deal" with someone you love dying? You don't! There's no dealing with it....you just have to choose to be ok with it. I'm not ok with it. Not at all. It's like a part of me was ripped out of my soul and I had no say in the matter.

Then Mark dies.....yeah I'm supposed to be ok with my friend just dying doing what he loved to do. That's not ok! And all this "it was their time to go" crap just makes me angry. No it wasn't!! And I'd love to be able to say that people should die in their sleep at an old age because they have fully lived, but even then people get hurt. I hate this concept, I hate this word, and I hate how we are just supposed to accept that people die. We are supposed to accept the feeling that your heart has been ripped out of your chest and stomped on. We are supposed to accept that we are going to cry until we hyperventilate and feel like there is no way we could possibly cry anymore...only to continue to cry and miss that person until the day we die. Yeah....I'm not ok with any of it.

Yearning

There are many definitions of yearning. But they all fit into the way I feel; To long, have a strong desire (for something); To long back with melancholy, nostalgically; longing: prolonged unfulfilled desire or need; ache: have a desire for something or someone who is not present; to desire intensely.

Ever feel like the one thing you want, everyone else seems to get but you? You know it's not really the right time in your life for you to receive something so amazing, but it doesn't help the fact that your body aches to have it. Your heart literally hurts. It's the weirdest feeling and most debilitating. You shouldn't feel like this over something that will come in due time, but you want it now. And the fact that everyone else around you has it just makes you angry. And that's no way to be. I need patience and understanding and I just need to know that these things will happen for me.

Shower incident

Haven't posted in a while. So, yesterday I was in the shower and started crying hysterically about everything in the world that could make me upset. Then I was just crying, about nothing and everything! I was really close to coming out of the bathroom and admitting that I needed/wanted help. But, like always, I talked myself out of it and convinced myself I'm ok. I'm doing better. Nothing like seeing friends to help you out. Got to see my old roomie, Sara, today. I miss her. She's one of the people who can make me laugh for hours. Good medicine. Plus she's having a baby and that makes me happy. I think I'm ok for now.

Once again, sorry to anyone who reads this thinking that I'm crazily depressed or something is wrong with me. I don't always seem like the person that would be this way. And DO NOT confront me about it. Writing is my way of getting it out and I feel better afterwards. Sorry if you think there's something wrong with me....chances are, there is, but this is why I made this blog. To fix myself and feel better.

P.S. Stride gum commercials are so hilarious!!! If you are every feeling down, youtube them.....laughter is the best medicine! :-)

Thinking.....

So I sit alone....again..... as my husband goes to work. I'm so needy! I really need a dog, but I can't have one because we live in an apartment. I want a house so bad. I know once again...I'm rushing my life. I just want my own yard, a dog, and I just want to not feel alone. I hate it. I've known I'm needy and I'll tell anyone. No big secret, just makes it a lot harder to try and be ok in silence.

So yes....now I sit here thinking, that I really need a dog. Today I don't really feel like bringing out the depressed thoughts within me. But, last night I found out a kid I went to high school with died (RIP Darric Kamp). He actually dated one of my best friends, who was in my wedding. I hate death. I mean I hate death so much. So much so that I think about it all the time.

I try and rush my life because I am afraid that I am going to die before I should. I should just lay here and enjoy the solitude or go read a book, but all I can think about is that I'm lonely and I hate that feeling. With loneliness comes boredom and then I get angry cause I'm wasting a day.

Then I think, maybe I want kids. But I don't, not yet. I'm not ready for that. It's all to cure my loneliness. It's dumb...this I know. I can't wait for the day when the quiet is all I want. But I know that will come after I have a dog and kids and then that will have been what I wished for. It's all an evil cycle that makes no sense whatsoever to me.

But, today, I'm doing alright. I actually said the words "I'm happy" last night. It felt good and I meant it. I love my husband and I finally have a good job that I'm passionate about. I got to see friends last night that I miss. But then I think to myself, how long is that going to last? How long until I find another lump in my breast or one of my friends dies. How many times this week is my stomach going to feel like there's a knife in it or that my ovarian cysts are going to send me into paralyzing pain? How long until I just become depressed, again. I shouldn't think this way, I know. But I do.

But, for the time being, I'm happy. If I really even know what that means. But, now I'm lonely. And loneliness always depresses me. I might go visit my Dad and my puppy at home. It's a beautiful day, and wasting it would only make me angry.  

Why I Decided to Blog

I wrestled with the thought of making this blog for quite some time now. Then it occured to me that I rarely do things for myself. So, I'm sorry if this seems cold, but this is for me. I don't care what you think or feel about anything I write in here. For a long time I've had dark thoughts and horrible moods, but I am the "happy" person. I strike you as the funny, lovable one. The smart one who has it altogether. But I am far from that. Sometimes all I want is to be alone, which in turn kills me because I hate loneliness. I am sometimes very disturbed and broken for no apparent reason. I've been told I need to let it out, so that's what I'm doing. I am publicly letting it out. This is my attepmt to heal myself through words, and pictures, and videos, and whatever I want. This is MY page. I really am trying to let myself live life to the fullest and not waste one day. Some of the things I say might surprise you, or not. There are some days I love life and some days I hate it. I need to talk about it all. I need to learn to slow down and enjoy the things that may be gone tomorrow. So this is my attempt, before I am put on pills or therapy and the things I don't believe in, this is my attempt to find peace and just live.