Thinking.....

So I sit alone....again..... as my husband goes to work. I'm so needy! I really need a dog, but I can't have one because we live in an apartment. I want a house so bad. I know once again...I'm rushing my life. I just want my own yard, a dog, and I just want to not feel alone. I hate it. I've known I'm needy and I'll tell anyone. No big secret, just makes it a lot harder to try and be ok in silence.

So yes....now I sit here thinking, that I really need a dog. Today I don't really feel like bringing out the depressed thoughts within me. But, last night I found out a kid I went to high school with died (RIP Darric Kamp). He actually dated one of my best friends, who was in my wedding. I hate death. I mean I hate death so much. So much so that I think about it all the time.

I try and rush my life because I am afraid that I am going to die before I should. I should just lay here and enjoy the solitude or go read a book, but all I can think about is that I'm lonely and I hate that feeling. With loneliness comes boredom and then I get angry cause I'm wasting a day.

Then I think, maybe I want kids. But I don't, not yet. I'm not ready for that. It's all to cure my loneliness. It's dumb...this I know. I can't wait for the day when the quiet is all I want. But I know that will come after I have a dog and kids and then that will have been what I wished for. It's all an evil cycle that makes no sense whatsoever to me.

But, today, I'm doing alright. I actually said the words "I'm happy" last night. It felt good and I meant it. I love my husband and I finally have a good job that I'm passionate about. I got to see friends last night that I miss. But then I think to myself, how long is that going to last? How long until I find another lump in my breast or one of my friends dies. How many times this week is my stomach going to feel like there's a knife in it or that my ovarian cysts are going to send me into paralyzing pain? How long until I just become depressed, again. I shouldn't think this way, I know. But I do.

But, for the time being, I'm happy. If I really even know what that means. But, now I'm lonely. And loneliness always depresses me. I might go visit my Dad and my puppy at home. It's a beautiful day, and wasting it would only make me angry.  

Why I Decided to Blog

I wrestled with the thought of making this blog for quite some time now. Then it occured to me that I rarely do things for myself. So, I'm sorry if this seems cold, but this is for me. I don't care what you think or feel about anything I write in here. For a long time I've had dark thoughts and horrible moods, but I am the "happy" person. I strike you as the funny, lovable one. The smart one who has it altogether. But I am far from that. Sometimes all I want is to be alone, which in turn kills me because I hate loneliness. I am sometimes very disturbed and broken for no apparent reason. I've been told I need to let it out, so that's what I'm doing. I am publicly letting it out. This is my attepmt to heal myself through words, and pictures, and videos, and whatever I want. This is MY page. I really am trying to let myself live life to the fullest and not waste one day. Some of the things I say might surprise you, or not. There are some days I love life and some days I hate it. I need to talk about it all. I need to learn to slow down and enjoy the things that may be gone tomorrow. So this is my attempt, before I am put on pills or therapy and the things I don't believe in, this is my attempt to find peace and just live.